We've all been there. Your colleague steamrolls over your ideas in meetings. Your partner finishes your sentences—incorrectly. Your friend constantly interrupts, leaving you feeling invisible. The frustration builds, your chest tightens, and you face that age-old dilemma: speak up and risk conflict, or stay silent and simmer in resentment.
Here's the neuroscience: when we feel disrespected or hurt, our amygdala—the brain's alarm system—fires up faster than we can say "that's not what I meant." This hijacks our ability to communicate effectively, pushing us toward fight, flight, or freeze responses. But there's hope. Research in emotional intelligence and workplace coaching shows we can rewire these reactions and transform difficult conversations into relationship-strengthening moments.
Why We Struggle to Express Hurt (And Why It Matters)
Before diving into the how-to, let's understand what's happening in our brains when someone steps on our emotions.
When we perceive disrespect or dismissal, our nervous system interprets it as a social threat—and our brains treat social threats remarkably similar to physical ones. Dr. Matthew Lieberman's UCLA research using fMRI scans found that social rejection activates the same brain regions as physical pain. No wonder it hurts when someone constantly talks over us.
This explains why we often handle these situations poorly. We either:
- Explode (our amygdala takes over, and we say things we regret)
- Implode (we stuff it down, breeding resentment)
- Erode (we slowly withdraw from the relationship)
However, here's the game-changer: research from the Gottman Institute shows that how we handle these micro-moments of disconnection determines the quality of our relationship more than grand gestures ever could. Studies in workplace coaching reveal that teams who master these conversations show a 25% higher performance and a 50% lower turnover rate.
The Neuroscience of Being Heard
Why does being interrupted or dismissed feel so awful? It violates what Self-Determination Theory identifies as a fundamental human need: autonomy—the need to feel that our thoughts and contributions matter. When someone finishes our sentences or talks over us, they're essentially saying, "Your inner world doesn't exist, or if it does, it's not important."
Dr. Stephen Porges' Polyvagal Theory helps us understand another piece: we're wired for connection. When someone dismisses us, it triggers our threat-detection system. But when they truly listen, it activates our social engagement system, calming our nervous system and opening pathways for genuine connection.
This is why expressing hurt effectively isn't just about venting—it's about re-establishing safety and connection in the relationship.
The 5-Step VOICE Framework for Expressing Hurt
After years of workplace coaching and studying what makes difficult conversations successful, I've developed the VOICE framework. It's grounded in research from nonviolent communication, motivational interviewing, and neuroscience. Each step is designed to keep both your and their nervous systems regulated, maximizing the chance for genuine connection.
1. Validate the Relationship First
Start by expressing why this conversation matters. This isn't manipulation—it's neurology. When you lead with care, you activate their social engagement system rather than their threat-detection system.
Try this: "I want to share something with you because our working relationship really matters to me, and I know we both want to collaborate well."
Research from Harvard Business Review shows that starting with shared goals increases receptivity by 40%. You're essentially saying, "We're on the same team," which calms the amygdala's friend-or-foe detector.
2. Observe Without Attacking
Describe the specific behavior using what motivational interviewing calls "neutral observation." Avoid character attacks or mind-reading.
Instead of: "You always interrupt me because you think you're smarter." Try: "In our last meeting, I was interrupted three times before finishing my thought."
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg's research on nonviolent communication found that when we focus on observable behaviors rather than interpretations, defensive responses drop by 60%. You're giving their prefrontal cortex (the thinking brain) a chance to engage before their amygdala (the reactive brain) takes over.
3. Impact—Share Your Internal Experience
This is where you get vulnerable. Share how the behavior affected you, using "I" statements. Remember, they can't argue with your feelings—they're yours.
Try this: "When I'm interrupted, I feel frustrated and sometimes just shut down. It's like my contributions don't matter, and I notice I participate less."
Research from Dr. Brené Brown's work on vulnerability shows that when we share our feelings without blame, it creates "connective tissue" in relationships. You're not attacking; you're inviting them into your experience.
4. Clarify Your Request
Be specific about what you need going forward. Vague requests like "be more respectful" don't give the other person a roadmap for change.
Try this: "Going forward, I'd really appreciate it if you could let me finish my thoughts before sharing yours. And if you're excited about something I'm saying, maybe say 'I'm excited about that idea' instead of finishing my sentence."
Studies in behavioral psychology show that specific, actionable requests are 3x more likely to create lasting change than general complaints.
5. End with Encouragement
Circle back to why this matters and express optimism about the path forward. This isn't about sugar-coating—it's about creating what researchers call "approach motivation" rather than "avoidance motivation."
Try this: "I'm bringing this up because I value what we have, and I believe we can make our conversations even better. I'm also open to hearing if there's anything I do that impacts you."
The Hidden Power Move: Pause and Breathe
Here's a workplace coaching secret that transforms these conversations: master the pause. When expressing hurt, we often rush through, afraid of the other person's reaction. But research from UCLA shows that pausing for just 2-3 seconds between steps allows both people's nervous systems to regulate.
Try this: After each step in the VOICE framework, take a breath. Count to two. This tiny pause does three things:
- Keeps your prefrontal cortex online
- Gives the other person time to process without feeling attacked
- Demonstrates that you're in control, not reactive
When They Get Defensive (Most Likely They Will)
Even with perfect delivery, some people will get defensive. That's okay—it's their amygdala doing its job. Research in conflict resolution shows that initial defensiveness doesn't predict outcome; what matters is what happens next.
If they interrupt to defend themselves, try: "I really want to hear your perspective, and I will. Can I just finish this thought first?" Say it calmly, like you're passing the salt, not defending territory.
Remember: you're not responsible for their reaction, only for expressing yourself cleanly and kindly.
The Relationship Paradox
Here's what my coaching clients often discover: the conversations we most avoid are the ones that most deepen our relationships. When you express hurt skillfully, you're not creating conflict—you're building intimacy.
Dr. John Gottman's research found that couples who address issues within a week of them arising are 10x more likely to stay together than those who avoid conflict. The same principle applies to workplace relationships and friendships.
By speaking up, you're saying: "This relationship matters enough to me to have this uncomfortable conversation." That's not conflict—that's care.
Your Next Brave Conversation
The next time someone interrupts, dismisses, or hurts you, remember: your feelings are data, not drama. They're telling you something about what you need in relationships. Expressing those needs isn't selfish—it's how we build genuine connections.
Start small. Pick one relationship where you've been holding back. Use the VOICE framework. Take those pauses. And remember—you're not trying to win an argument; you're trying to strengthen a connection.
Here’s what I've learned from years of workplace coaching: the people who matter want to know when they've hurt you. And the ones who don't? That's also important information.
